Self Realizations

I’m not clever or witty. I’m not deeply philosophical. I’m just a person with simple thoughts and opinions on a number of things. I do consider myself reasonably intelligent. I do not always agree with mainstream mores and ideals. I am independent and, for the most part, rational in my logic.

I have been blessed with 4 wonderful children and 8 beautiful grandchildren. I have attended both Tech Schools and College. I have worked in numerous industries. I have been fortunate to have lived in 9 different states, and I have traveled to all the rest except for Alaska. For this reason I believe I am uniquely qualified to talk on a wide variety of topics.

So then, why is it that I have a hard time writing anything? Are my thoughts so random and quick that I cannot focus on any one topic unless I’m specifically asked a question?

Perhaps the idea of putting into written word what I am thinking is hindering me since at times words cannot do justice to what I am really wanting to say. Maybe I’m simply too critical of myself.

Could it be that I fear being judged by others and once written I can’t “explain it away” if others think negatively of what I’ve written?

It would appear that, in my opinion, now that I honestly think about it, I lack the self-confidence to just write and not care what anyone else thinks. Often I explain this pause in my writing to “writers block” but that isn’t what it is at all.

People say I start a lot of projects and never follow through and finish them. If that’s true, then it seems to me I fear and avoid certain situations. For example, I might have to speak in public or be at the front of a room, or even stand to ask a question from an audience. Why do I shy away from being in photographs?

I don’t think I’m exceptionally shy. I have no problem with going out and meeting people as long as it’s on my terms. When I meet new people I’m quiet until I can assess the person and surroundings so that I know what is “safe” to say around them.

I guess what I am saying is ….

Without positive feedback I feel unable to continue any project or writing. For some reason it is important to me to know that what I am doing is being appreciated and enjoyed by others. Let’s face it, most of what we, as individuals, do each day is for someone else and without that acknowledgment we feel it is pointless to continue.

Your Ever-Active Mind

More and more often I find myself lost in what I call “non-thoughts” since I can never pinpoint just where my mind has been. Surely, it had to be somewhere. Right? Is it possible to have long periods of time where your mind literally has nothing on it? I don’t believe so. That being the case, how do I find out what has been keeping my mind occupied?

For instance, I will read a page or chapter of a great book that I’m really enjoying and suddenly realize that I have no clue what I’ve just read. Seems unlikely since I thought I was concentrating on the words on the page, but alas, I couldn’t have been. Right? So where was my mind? I have no conscience thought as to what had me distracted. I can be sitting at the computer or the television and suddenly become aware that I’m not watching the screen at all, I’m staring out into space. Most of those times I am only jolted back to the here and now when someone asks what I’m thinking about or one of my pets come to me. Why? What is out there that had so captured my attention?

When we were children in the classroom, this was called “daydreaming” by our teachers. Was this what was happening? Were we purposely gazing out the window and thinking of other things or was our subconscious taking over and occupying our minds? Better yet, is there a difference? Can this phenomenon be controlled so that we don’t “drift off”? If we cannot control it then why did we, as children, get in trouble when it happened in school?

I am of the opinion that the subconscious never rests and that we are only able to rest our conscious minds through sleep. That is why sleep is so very important for our mental health. However, if you are like me and millions of others, sleep is erratic and sparse at best. Getting more than 2-4 hours sleep at a time is rare. Not having the chance to enter REM sleep and truly resting our minds we over-work both our conscious and subconscious mind. What hazards lay within that I do not know but it surely cannot be healthy.

Perhaps this is the cause of many mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, phobias, not to mention stress which has a myriad of problems in itself. High blood pressure, heart attack, maybe even diabetes. So then I wonder about the drugs given to alleviate those issues. Perhaps, doctors need to look deeper and resolve their patients sleep deprivation problems and thereby eliminating the need for all those other drugs. Mind altering, mood altering, stabilizing, drugs could be stopped if only we could properly sleep. Sleeping pills aren’t the answer either. I take them and find that they provide only minimal sleep and eventually stop working altogether.

In this new world of ours, we are always plugged-in, tuned-in, and turned-on to constant information which overloads both our conscious and subconscious minds. This makes long term sleep nearly impossible. So, what is the answer? How do we, in this day and age, get the needed 8-10 hours of sleep per night without drugs?

I don’t know the answer to this, I sure hope someone does and that I can find it on the internet as I sit here and surf all night, unable to sleep.

-SB